Nervous Breakdown

i had a breakdown
i broke
any pressure i shudder and crack
any day without ativan is not in my immediate future
there have been some dark days
-i just never thought i'd fall this far
my brain is tired
i cry alot

when is efuckingnough?

coming up on 2 years since my transplant - i know how fortunate i am
and so thankful for winning this lottery ticket

with that being said
im a fucking wreck
i have the bk virus so i will lose this kidney sooner than later
this is my 3rd
the idea of it all over again - well it's a bit much for me right now

this disease was not supposed to win
i always felt i had an agreement with my body & my mind
we'd do this together no matter what
but unfortunately my mind has packed it's bags and heading for calmer waters
who can blame it?